Anecdote #54: First sip of beer. I let it be Lowenbrau!

photo: Richard Thompson

Fotodote #53:  I learned how to milk a cow and drive in the same fifteen minutes.

photo: #1 Richard Thompson #2 ??

Fotodote #52: I once led a motley crew in front of the White House.

photo: Richard Thompson

Fotodote #51: I have always had a beer gut and made young boys love crazy.

                                                                                                           photo: Richard Thompson

Fotodote #50: "I used to could stand on playdough cans."

photo: Richard Thompson (Dad)

Anecdote #49: I was once on tour in Eastern Europe when we found ourselves having to drive through Bulgaria.  The road humbly allotted us through an arid and abject landscape. Truth is we hadn't seen a place to eat or drink in an entire days drive. I passed by countless elderly men bent in half, dragging their hoes through dry beige dirt and there wasn't one structure with it's roof not caved in, but I was hungry, and we were in a third world country! Then suddenly, angels saaaaaaang!!!!,  two Golden Arches appeared, rising at the crust of a distant horizon. "The American Embassy!!!!", cried Chris and George! 

What I remember most about this particular Bulgarian McDonalds, is how dressed up its patrons were. I am talkin’ pearls and silk, jackets and ties, to the nines! Ironically, not showered and dirty, I was the one that smelled like a peasant. This was Bulgaria's version of Nobu or Mr. Chows! This was it for them, and it may have been the most special micky d's in the world. So as I would in any fine dining establishment, I respectfully pointed to my order. We must have dropped hundreds of dollars (pre euro) and I remember being able to buy those original golden apple pies, the ones that are deep fried and crispy (god I miss those).  On our walk back to the bus, a small, shirtless, barefooted filthy little boy begged me for my french fries. I gave him them, even though his begging was likened to a classic horror film.  He scared me a little.

Anecdote #47: When I was 10 we moved to Hellam PA, a tiny town next to the Susquehanna River. To help me make friends my mom agreed to host a slumber party for me and 5 other classmates.  Mom thought it would be entertaining and fun to have a séance. She cut out little pieces of paper and placed them in a circle, each one drawn with a letter of the alphabet. She then placed a shot glass in the middle of the circle, put a silk scarf on her head, lit a few candles and we all began to ask silly questions to the dead.  All of the girls, except one, had a blast! We giggled freely as we watched my Mom brilliantly pretend to be a wild gypsy. The other little girl looked absolutely terrified and almost started crying before we had to end the “game”. Little did we realize that even innocently playing with esoteric fire in a tiny Christian town, like Helena, would incite nasty rumors that we, once started, would never be able to live down. My Mom was called "The Witch Lady" (how original), and we endured months of whispers and glares around town before we got out of there. When in Rome don’t play “Ohm”.

Anecdote #46: Once I chased a runaway kite into the middle of a nettle field. I was barefoot.  Sometimes when you chase after something beautiful, you get burnt.

Anecdote #46: My first Real kiss came in some hotel on some overnight conference I was dragged along on.  I was 13 and was left alone for a few hours while the rents' went out to dinner.  Luckily the lobby had an arcade with Galaga, so that’s where I was planning to spend the entire evening. Another boy was also in the arcade, he was 14.  I am not clear as to how, but he convinced me to take him to my room and on the balcony, I kind-of smoked my first joint and made out with him. It was really super!

Anecdote #45:  When I was a kid we had a set of identical twin boys who lived on our street.  One day I was playing with one of them under my bed.  We played Pigs in Space.  We pretended the box springs were control buttons on the space panel.  I remember having a crush on one of the twins and not the other, but, on this day, my crush twin was away and I was left to play with his brother who, apparently, had a crush on me.  During our space flight, he suggested we "try a French kiss".  I inquired as to what entailed a French kiss.  He explained everything and I agreed to an attempt. I remember our faces being about two feet a part mouths wide open and would slowly creep our gasp-like faces closer and closer. Unfortunately for him, it was all much too silly for me to process and despite multiple attempts, I would laugh out loud before we could ever touch face. Maybe with his brother things would have ended differently.

Anecdote #44: My first kiss was taken by an 8-year old boy named Guy. He chased me around the Laundromat about 20 times before I caved.  He was wearing a comic book T-shirt.

Anecdote #43: After first-grade, folks in charge decided to place me into a year round school called Theresa Home School, where spanking was a common punishment for even the most minor offenses.  I could write an anecdote for every time I remember being spanked and perhaps I might, but generally speaking, it happened so often, the many recollections would become tedious and boring to recount. I will say, however, I never cried when I was spanked, on the contrary.

Something about the awkwardness of bending over a desk and being whacked in the buttocks by a book or a paddle cracked me up and I would end up giggling uncontrollably obviously adding fuel to the fire.

Anecdote #42: Once in first grade (I think this is the last of the first grade A-dotes), during story time, I found a lone staple stuck in the carpet. Since first grade was so much about putting things where they belong I decided this one little staple would fit very well into the socket slot. I slipped the perfect little piece of metal into the perfectly sized electric socket, which caused a large pop followed by a mini explosion of sparks and smoke. A few days later Smokey the Bear came to my class and gave us an entertaining program on fire safety. Only I can prevent Forest Fires!

Anecdote #41: I am a biter, and in first grade I bit another girl on the shoulder, so hard I drew blood. Of course I was sent to the principals office.  The Principal, instead of punishing me told me I was smart. That was the first time I was ever told I was smart.

Anecdote #40: After my first day of first grade I was to ride my first school bus home. I got on the wrong yellow bus. When all of the other kids were gone and the route was over the bus driver turned to me and asked me where I lived. I shrugged my shoulders. We went to 7-11 and he bought me a slurpee.

Anecdote #39:  In first grade I stole a print of George Washington and Renoir Print from the library. I wish I could say that I didn't know how yet to check things out, but I remember being very sneaky about it and like a true little art thief, hoarded those two pieces for years in a closet to admire alone, on occasion.

Anecdote #38: I was in first grade when I saw my first ding-a-ling. During lunch period Kenny and I hid in the freestanding art supply closet to sheepishly introduce our differences.

Besides what Kenny showed me, I remember that I had orchestrated the whole event and I remember seeing our classmates marching toward us from lunch through the crack in the double doors, which had earlier provided us with the appropriate lighting.

Anecdote #37: First grade was monumental! I remember more about 1st grade than my entire high school experience. Once, I ripped my dress during recess. The teacher insisted on mending it over our nap-time. So that I didn't have to nap in my undies, my teacher thought it was a good idea to have me rest in a big brown paper grocery bag with holes cut out for my arms and my head. I remember lying there for an hour, staring at the ceiling, completely still, afraid I would disturb my classmates with the loud crinkle noise that came with such an outfit.

Anecdote #36: My Dad told me about sex. I was probably 8 years old and already knew the basics from piecing together the sketches out of Khalil Gibran and what I heard during 3rd grade recesses. He being a medical photographer, responsibly and somewhat awkwardly, decided it was something that needed to be discussed on a clinical level. I remember I had a mug of milk I was working on and he had a book. The book was a pop up book on sex for kids, (really!?). I remember when he got to the part about the penis entering the vagina, I tried so hard not to laugh, milk came shooting out of my nose.

Anecdote #35: Due to Mummy's second marriage I started having to go to church at age 10. When I was 13 a Christian Rock Band played at the church and at the end of the set the smoking hot lead singer asked if anyone in attendance wanted to pray with him and give their life/soul to the Lord. Well, I guess that was the first of many nights I held hands in a dark corner of a room being born again with some rocker dude. Never really stopped since.

Anecdote #34:   I got my first period on a snowmobile. I wonder where I will be when I get my last.

Anecdote #33: I once proved I am a better hula hooper than David Byrne. 

Anecdote #32: I once was in a movie with the Brady bunch's Eve Plumb, Law and Order's Jeremy Sisto and THIS lady. If you are a fan of 80's sit-coms you may recognize Erin Gray. This picture is of us holding Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here" album, after which the picture was taken I asked her if she wouldn't mind signing it.

So there we are like two Silver Spoons together, ...she and I.

Anecdote #31: This picture was taken at an after party to a star studded Burt Bacharach tribute concert. Dionne Warwick, Elvis Costello, Petula Clark all sang Burt's songs. I also watched Mike Myers perform What's-up Pussy Cat, dressed as a cat, from Cats. The tribute was incredible, but its after party was kind of low in attendance and quiet. I remember hanging out in a booth with Ben Folds for a bit, getting stupid with the Bare Naked Ladies, and enjoyed what was practically my own private GE Smith concert! Who am I kidding, it was a superb evening.

Anecdote #30: Quite a few years ago I went to a friends birthday party where David Cross and I had a weird and funny conversation about slow dancing. This is a photo from that night. My tit is almost hanging out and he is almost picking his nose. The other guy is SNL Comedy writer Eric Slovin.

Anecdote #29: When I was a kid my best friend, Riley O'Casey and I would put on short plays for anyone who would come. Family friends and folks next door would basically come and watch us pee our pants because we always ended up peeing our pants by the end of these plays. Unfortunately this habit didn't subside any when I started my young career in professional theatre. "Annie" peed in my pants, "Show Boat" I peed in my pants and in "guys&dolls" when some dancers wig spun off into the lap of an audience member, I didn't laugh, I peed my pants. The whole reason I decided to become classically trained in Drama was to learn how not to pee my pants on stage. 20 grand later, I'm cured!

Anecdote #28: When I was a kid, my mom wouldn't let me celebrate St Patrick's Day because she had a thing about the Irish, particularly the IRA who, at one point in her/our life, had an actual "hit" out on her Dad, My Grandfather who was acting Director of British Defense Intelligence in the early 70's. In her defense, it was a frightening time. One St P day morning I just Freaked Out, and begged her to "Please Please Please let me wear green to school." I must have annoyed the shit out of her because she conceded. I ran upstairs to put on every green garment I owned! I was so excited and that day, in a green sea of 70's, our small class sat in a circle to eat our packed lunches. I opened my Scooby Doo lunch box to a Great and slightly Embarrassing sight! MY MOM had dyed a Giant left-over turkey leg Green. It wasn't so much that it was Green, It was more the Turkey Leg itself, ala' King Henry the VIII and its enormity  took up the entire lunch box. I hesitated in taking this piece of food and using it as a prop to make the crowd laugh, but some things you are born wanting to do and I was hungry. Eyes coyly posed, I very slowly lifted the giant leg to my pie hole. The teacher caught sight, made a thing of it, and I experienced my first comedy bit. Good stuff!

Anecdote #27: As I mentioned in an earlier anecdote, I had the honor of being "governess" in the Boorman household for about a month while he was visiting NYC. John Boorman is an incredible director of films. Notably, The General, Excalibur, and the notorious 1972 thriller, Deliverance. On my first day John and I took his three children on a long walk to the park. I was obviously (and regrettably) star struck, and in gushing all my highest regards right to his face, I could hardly pay much attention, at all, to my 3 new charges.

Me, blathering excitedly, "I really love your films Mr. Boorman! I think my favorite would probably be The General.... but it's really hard to choose.... because.....Well,... Excalibur being so shadowy... AND colorful at the same time!"

His distracted response, "Ah, thank you, yes, right, well? yes, ...thank you, Ok."

But this is not the story to tell.

When we arrived at the park, I had to show him what a grand babysitter I was. I pulled out my best Haydee Freaking Poppins. With confidence I unbuckled strollers, got out juice boxes, and began the proper mysterious rapport you have with children you meet for the very first time. John decided, I guess, to begin a familiar conversation with his children to include me in their familial practice. He said to the three year old, "What does a cow say?" "Moo!" proudly said the young boy. "How about a kitty?" "Me-ew!", he exclaimed. "Now what does a dog say?" "Wurf!", spoke the boy. This whole time I was just waiting for the punch line, I mean my God!

Then it happened, John Boorman spoke one of the most prolific lines in film history, like an inside joke, just between us! "Now how’s about a pig?" Inside, I’m like, "Really? This is happening?!" when he finally says it, YES... "Squeal like a pig!" Of course, this completely inappropriate gesture at the time, was a gift just for me, and I was grateful. 

Anecdote #26: Jamie Lee Curtis and I both gave a hand job to up side down table legs using a stick of butter. It was some IKEA number we were trying to assemble, but the look we shared to one other as we rubbed off our chosen legs was very special. Hysterical and very sexy.

Anecdote #25: One night I was babysitting John Borman's 3 kids on Christopher St. in NYC. He and his wife were going on a dinner date with another couple. They were getting ready when the door rang so they asked me if I would answer the door. I did. The dinner date was with Frances McDormand and husband Joel Coen. We waited together for the Borman children to stop screaming and wailing their goodbyes when Frances offered me a valium or maybe it was a xanax. I love her.

Anecdote #24: One night in Savanna GA, my band Golden Dawn was performing. It was a particularly good show that evening and during the set someone in the audience was taking a multiple flash photos of me. After the show Liz Simmons excitedly pulled me aside to tell me that the photographer was actor Alan Cummings and he wanted to meet me! After our introduction I took him and his boyfriend to our bus where we partied hard and laughed our freaking heads off.

Anecdote #23: I once witnessed my ex-boyfriend's Gibson SG, in a hard case, obliterate under the wheels of a fast moving semi on the highway. Terrifying.

There is much sadness and guilt in the backstory, but not all good stories are good. Long story short, He and I were together for many years, he was a very kind and special person in my life. When I moved back down here he came to live with me. I soon developed feelings for someone else. We broke-up. The incident occurred on his move back to NY. With his pick-up packed to the hilt, I selfishly hitched a "final and emotional" ride North, where he was going to drop me off 1/2 way in Baltimore. We stopped at a rest stop where I had to check on something in the back of the truck. I guess I didn't slam the tail gate hard enough. He had bought this guitar when he was 14 with money he saved from his paper route. We pulled over in hopes that we could run out in the middle of a busy freeway and save it. It sat on the cusp of a hill and all we could do was stand there and watch it happen. The whole damn thing was devastating.

Anecdote #22: One summer I was hit by a bicycle who had been hit by a car. The kid on the bike was unscathed. I however, slammed my left wrist down square onto the curb, and broke the bone in half.

Anecdote #21: I used to be able to see Marisa Tomei's shower/bath through a sky light on the roof next door.

Anecdote #20: I was once sent on a mission to artist Robert Rauschenberg's long time home in the village. When I arrived and after I rang the bell, a very handsome young gay man answered the door and took me up in a glass elevator that opened into the kitchen living area, a wide-open space to be sure. "Bobby” was there, along with a small entourage of more cute boys. At the time I was obsessed with making these miniature jade plants out of organic pipe cleaners. I brought one along and nervously handed one to him as a gift. He was very kind and seemed to like it very much. He placed it on a small table amongst some actual plants. Noticing I was obviously a huge fan, Rauschenberg took me on a tour of his giant studio downstairs and showed me first hand some of his enormous plexi-glass works in progress. That room was a pot of gold at the end of a living rainbow, I tell ya!

I once sold Richard Gere's phone number for 2 bucks to The Inner Head. Needless to say, we had imbibed quite a bit that evening and in my defense, I thought, and still think The Inner Head and Gere would have a lot to talk about. I think we called him from a sixth Ave pay phone. 

Anecdote #17: I was once the singer of a power pop band named Squatweiler. In the winter of 199? we opened for AVAIL (Richmond VA) on their 2 week Florida tour. On one crazy night, at some club in Ft. Lauderdale, I had introduced a song we wrote called "Made Naked" and challenged the crowd to take off their clothes. Sure enough, within seconds, a small naked pit of about seven or eight guys appeared! It was wonderful! Before long, these Adonis', with an oversized propensity for a pain, moshed and tackled each other as I crooned my 9/11 pre-gogs.  (You can buy this song on itunes, but it won't be me singing.) At some point, I couldn't help but to get naked myself, in solidarity of course! As soon as I took off my shirt some dude, (not the one fetal position, I'm not sure who he is..), but a different naked 19-year old, leaped onto the stage, faced me, stretched out his penis on which I could clearly read...

"T N T"

Tattooed, like an obvious stick of dynamite! He gave it a twirl, fast, like a plane propellor, then stage dived into a naked pit!!!!!! Kaboom!

Anecdote #16: Once I went to see Public Enemy at the old Ziggies. After the show I made it back stage just as Flava Flav, wrapped in his giant clock, was leaving. He had two very tall blonde strippers clutching him from either side. Fresh from my experience with Mrs. King (see #15) I decided to bring a small hardback of Shakespeare's sonnets along. I asked Flav, "Mr. Flav, will you please sign my book?" He looked at the cover and squawked, "Shakespeare... Who DAT?!"

Anecdote #15: For some reason, in the early 90's, Coretta Scott King came to eat at Tijuanna Fats where I was working as a hostess. At the time I was reading Hunter S. Thompson. I asked her to sign my book. She look at the book, kind of cringed, but signed it none the less. I did not have a dream. It happened.

Anecdote #14: Years ago I was involved in a Hot Air Ballon crash over the Poconos, that left the pilot unconscious and me alone in the woods crying "Mayday" into a c.b. radio.

A women's prison in Muncy PA once hired my Step Dad Dick and his Hot Air Balloon Crew led by my Mom, along with a man named Pete who flew a Hand-Glider. Hundreds of women prisoners watched the balloon inflate whilst sitting behind a 10 foot deep dry moat. The program, or demonstration, or whatever they called it, was mockedly titled, "The Great Escape". The concept was crackerjack! Dangle a hand glider 30 feet under the basket of a Hot Air Balloon. When the balloon could lift far enough up, release the glider's tether and watch it descend from thin air. 

Bad Omen as I nearly had my face literally sliced off when the balloon rose to 30 feet. The Hand Gliders tether instantly jerked tight against one of the four steel cords holding the basket to the balloon. The very same steel cord I happened to be beside as I was looking dreamily out of the basket. With a tremendous jolt, my Step dad Dick grabbed the neck of my shirt and pulled my head out of the way, just in the nick of time! He saved my life twice that day.  

The Autumns day was pristine, and the setting sublime. As we floated away from that prison I couldn't help but feel supernatural. When we reached the appropriate altitude Dick, without a hitch, unsnapped the Hand-Glider and the giant Nylon bird rolled and yawed away below us.  We could now enjoy a few minutes of godlike quiet time before we had to land after all there were plenty of safe places to set the balloon down.  We were flying over a village complete with soccer fields and school yards and farms. No Problem.  All we had to do first was ask the local airport for permission to land.  It is still a great mystery to me why we were never granted permission, then, as each opportunity arose and a new request for permission was denied those opportunities dwindled until we found ourselves floating over a sea of mountains. If permission was granted by now it was too late. 

We were well into our 2nd hour in the air and despite the stunning scenery I was ready to terra firm.  Sooner or later we would have to "land", the propane was almost tapped.

For a long time we just road air currents investigating impossible landing sights, there was Nothing but mountains and trees and cliffs. All we needed was a hollow. We began to cruise low, which for us saved fuel but made it impossible for the chase van and crew to see us as they swerved through the endless mountain wind. We had radio contact, It was useless for directions but I was 10 and just happy to hear my mom's voice.  

Finally, In the last ten minutes of the ride Dick saw, in the distance, a tiny grass patch on the top of a mountain.  By this time he was pretty latched on to the language of currents so he blew the burners one final big one and we lifted high enough to then head in the appropriate direction. He quickly prepared me and I sat deep in a corner of the basket and from below watched only his fierce facial focus as we approached the sight. He blew a few last bursts into the balloon before we hit the wall of a cliff and began to drag up the steep mountain rampart. Branches snapped their way into the basket and Dick yelled to me to "hang on!" At the top of the cliff was a tree line which we crested over to other side where a teeny-tiny clearing was nestled 50 feet below.  Dick pulled the Rip Cord that instantly ripped a giant velcro seam which held two halves of a hot air balloon together. When the balloon divided in two and all of its hot air released, we fell a dead fall 50 feet to the ground.  From above and through the wicker I watched the Earths fierce focus as it sped passionately toward us.  We crashed hard onto the grass then the basket dragged a few feet into the thickened wood where everything came to a silent end.  I was shaken up but fine. Dick had suffered a blunt trauma to the face and was lying unconscious still in the basket with me.  The burners had slammed down on impact and poor Dick head was in the way. There was blood everywhere,  even on the c.b.-radio.  I was alone and scared so I radioed the chase van.  After a few minutes Dick came to and soon after a few of local mountain men had appeared.  The men got on the radio and directed the van as close to us as possible.  After about an hour the van (and my mom) finally made it to the sight where we rushed Dick to a small hospital. In the end he suffered from a concussion and a broken cheek-bone.  It took me many years to get back in the basket. I think I didn't fly again until I was 16.

Anecdote #13:  Once I found myself in a beautiful Hotel in Skopje, Macedonia. Macedonia is a land-locked county bordered by Kosovo, Serbia, and Albania.  Being so far from home and distracted by the unfamiliar and rumored dangerous new surroundings I felt a little uneasy but this place was a palace and I felt safe here.  After checking in I decided to have a look at the amenities. The hotel offered a spa in the basement. I had never before paid for a professional massage and was excited to make an appointment.  I waited in the hot tub until my masseuse was ready.  He was a very strong and hairy slavic man who did not speak english. I laid on the table still in my suit.  I was suffering from a bought of sciatica at the time and enjoyed his strength as he dug deeply into my warm tight muscles.  I was a little shocked when he pulled down my bathing suit bottoms so quickly, but just as soon relaxed when he began to work on my gluteus maximus.  I was enjoying this massage until...woah! His thumbs slipped into a part of me that I had forgotten was there! WOAH! He did it again!  I swiftly turned around and gave him the universal facial expression for,  "keep the fuck away from my girl parts dude!"  After the initial invasion I laid there for a few more moments a little confused. Caught somewhere between feeling molested and disturbingly interested in an encounter with a hairy stranger.  My prude took over when it happened a third time and I decided to bolt off the table grab my things and go.

Anecdote #12: Once as a job perk, I had the pleasure of staying with Edith Vonnegut and her family on Cape Cod for a fantastic weekend. "Edie" was charming, intelligent, and a very talented artist. She was also the daughter of Kurt Vonnegut. Did you know her ex- husband was Geraldo Rivera?! I didn't. Mind Melt.

Anecdote #11: I used to work for a pretty famous guy so often times some of his famous friends would drop by. One day the door- bell rang. I ran downstairs to answer the door and when I opened it it was unmistakably John Waters. He asked if David was in, I said, "I am sorry, he is not home." He then said, "Oh, well, would you mind giving him this book? I just finished it and thought it was pretty hilarious, and I figured he would like it very much." I agreed, he thanked me and left. After I shut the door behind him, I looked down at the book.

Anecdote #10: I used to work at a Mexican restaurant in Brooklyn owned by a Polish family. One morning, as I was setting up for Sunday Brunch, the phone rang. Since the owner lady and I were the only ones there, she answered the phone. After a few seconds on the line she screamed and fell to the floor. Her babysitter had called to tell my boss her father in Poland had passed away! Boss Lady was a strange cookie, although she was distraught and in shock she insisted on staying. I pleaded with her to call her husband or to go home but she refused. For an hour before anyone else showed up it was just her and I, not speaking and with a very sad doom cloud hovering. The phone rang again, and again she answered it. This time she screamed and began to laugh hysterically. Apparently, her baby sitter, being a second generation Pole, sorely misinterpreted the Polish message on the answering machine. Her father was in fact ALIVE! The lesson here is obvious. If your not fluent in a language, get a second opinion before you break that kind of news! I mean, REALLY?!

Anecdote #9: I once made out with Jada Pinket and accidentally punched her in the nose. Completely unrelated.