Excerpts from utility poles *night 2012

Anecdote #69!! One December 5th, for my birthday, David Byrne took me to see Portishead at the Hammerstein Ballroom in NYC. I had only known him a few weeks and our report was definitely still something to be discovered. Like the special people he is, we sat in a box seat in a balcony above the stage. Before the lights dimmed and in my youthical post grunge splendor I removed a joint from my shoulder bag. Truth be told I had been working up to this moment for hours. 
"Smoke?", I sheepishly, (and sort of outside of myself), spoke to him.
"Is it good stuff?", DB replied.
"I think so.", said I.
"Well, light it up.", he said.
So I did.
It WAS good stuff. I started it and passed it to him then he passed it to the other couple on the other side of the balcony and they passed it to the other balcony over then it made its way back to us just as the lights dimmed and Portishead began to play.  I miss the 90's, sometimes.

One St Patrick's Day, many year ago, Cass McCombs played at my house with the Oxes. I was reminded earlier today that he made a long distance call to his family from our phone to tell his annual St. Patties Day Joke. What I remember about that night is the after party in my room, hurling hundreds of vinyl records into the wall, duck tapping the perimeter of my room and my boyfriend making out with some chick who had two LED shamrocks pinned at her tits. Her last name was Green. I hate St Patrick's Day.

Names have been changed to protect the guilty.
Once, one afternoon, I was doing double duty. Painting the guest bathroom and being adult in charge to an 8 year old, 'Sugar Bean' and her play date 'Terror Face' for a couple of hours. When these two girls got together it was never fun for me. I was expecting the usual artful dodging at pick-up time, which would leave me searching every closet in the house for the the little scampers while Terror Face's Mother, adding unnecessary anxiety, would inevitably agitate the situation, by her useless glares and her tapping foot in her own disapproving meter being completely unhelpful in luring the girls into some semblance of good behavior.
On this particular day, my faith in reformation was restored and I was surprised and pleased when Sugar Bean and Terror Face asked me if I was thirsty and would I like something to drink. "That is so sweet of you to ask! Thank You, I would love something to drink!" A few minutes later they returned with a high ball glass of OJ. As I reached down from my ladder and took grasp of the glass I noticed the girls looking suspiciously excited, unfortunately, I did not process this in time as my my thirst was too great to notice anything was amiss... until I took a sip of my juice. This juice, and some foul mixer. Calmly from atop my ladder I asked the girls, "Is... there... URINE... in this juice?" I was beyond livid and i could see my reaction reflected in the now terrified faces of the girls. Sugar Bean nervously nodded her head. My next question was strange, "Who's URINE did I just Drink?!" I confess, I relaxed a little when I learned that the piss I ingested belonged to Sugar Bean and not to Terror Face.

Anecdote #66: I was once initiated into a Secret Society. Good Luck guessing which one. All I can say is we celebrate longer. I've said too much.

Videodote #65: Filmed by Frank Eaton Song by Invisible States. (me)

Anecdote#64: In high school, one of my two best friends, Misser, had the biggest crush on The Monkee's, particularly singer Davey Jones and I was baffled by her obsession. "They are so stupid!", I would stupidly think to myself, as I watched with her, this old stupid TV show, them screaming !HEY-HEY! while riding a bed down the street, Blech...,but I kept my pretension to myself. I even picked a favorite Monkeey for her. I picked Mike Nesmith, and I did really crush on him, but still!
Misser got tickets to see the Monkees LIVE! and the next day I was excited to meet her, as we always did, first period, in the bathroom at school. I truly was excited to hear all about the concert. However, when I walked in Misser was unexpectedly in tears! I asked her why she was crying, and with her knees buckling, holding up the sink, she unfeignedly wept, "Davey Jones...! is...
...OOOLLLLD!!!"

 

#63: When I was in fifth grade a classmate of mine fell through the school lobby's skylight during lunch period and died.

Anecdote #62: Recently, when I was home for Christmas and awake in bed, my Mom was getting me up while, at the same time, brushing her teeth and speaking to me about the days plans. Suddenly, her toothpaste foam had turned pink! "Mom!" I'd exclaimed. "Your mouth is bleeding!". "Oh dammid, I cud ma tun on a brusheda las wek and is haddent heald yed!", she plerbeded. During my three day visit, Mom's tongue bled red randomly. I suppose it was always the settings (church) and situations (family dinner) that made it feel most gruesome and
disturbing.

Videodote #59:

Anecdote #61: One morning my mom came bursting into my room and, with tears in her eyes, frantically told me John Lennon had been shot and he was dead! "It's all over the TV!" During this same period of time in my life she had been dating a super cool cat named Jeff Leonard. He was a disk Jockey and pretty well known over the air-waves in the DC Metro Area. In my morning stupor I misheard her and thought she had said Jeff had been shot and was dead! I was devastated and ran downstairs to see on the TV how this horror could've happened. As the Today show came back from commercials they continued their updates on the tragedy. The pictures they showed of the deceased rock star, to my joy, was obviously not of Jeff Leonard and I was ecstatic and relieved to tell my mother she had made a terrible mistake, "Mom, Jeff's not dead, that’s not Jeff!!!".

Anecdote #60: Happy Fat Tuesday! I have no idea how I managed an invite to one of the most debaucherous Birthday parties ever thrown. Perhaps it was on account of my brief friendship with Oz and Elvis Perkins, sons of Anthony, but there I sat, like a fly on a giant martini glass grinning wildly all night as I observed some pretty wacky shit. Unfortunately, what happened on our way out trumped any other memories from that evening. I grabbed my size 8 chocolate stiletto and slipped it into my purse for a tasty souvenir and stood up to leave. By this point the party had erupted into some sort of Bacchanalian flesh fest complete with transgender midgets and fetish freakdom. We tried to muscle our way through the ravenous crowd but found ourselves barricaded by a cluster-fuck of crazed. I was nervous, to be honest, and started to feel very claustrophobic, so as I stood there waiting for the "light to change" I looked to my left and watched Robin Leach get a hndjb . A sight, I will, dismally, never forget.

photo: Richard Thompson

Photodote #58: I used to see my Dad every other weekend.

photo: Richard Thompson

Photodote #57: This is a picture of me playing soccer. I have always been a pretty good athlete. 
Once I scored three goals in one game but then my face turned bright red and i had trouble breathing.

photo: Richard Thompson

Photodote #56: The first time I "cricked" my neck and believe me, there have been many times since, but, on this first occasion I was in 3rd grade and it happened during a swimming lesson. I remember turning my head in the water to catch my breath and my neck suddenly seized up in a jerked pain. I was in the deep end.
After being rescued and looked at by the pediatrician, the trouble was nothing a few days in an adult sized foam neck brace, wouldn't fix!

Anecdote #54: First sip of beer. I let it be Lowenbrau!

photo: Richard Thompson

Fotodote #53:  I learned how to milk a cow and drive in the same fifteen minutes.

photo: #1 Richard Thompson #2 ??

Fotodote #52: I once led a motley crew in front of the White House.

photo: Richard Thompson

Fotodote #51: I have always had a beer gut and made young boys love crazy.

                                                                                                           photo: Richard Thompson

Fotodote #50: "I used to could stand on playdough cans."

photo: Richard Thompson (Dad)

Anecdote #49: I was once on tour in Eastern Europe when we found ourselves having to drive through Bulgaria.  The road humbly allotted us through an arid and abject landscape. Truth is we hadn't seen a place to eat or drink in an entire days drive. I passed by countless elderly men bent in half, dragging their hoes through dry beige dirt and there wasn't one structure with it's roof not caved in, but I was hungry, and we were in a third world country! Then suddenly, angels saaaaaaang!!!!,  two Golden Arches appeared, rising at the crust of a distant horizon. "The American Embassy!!!!", cried Chris and George! 

What I remember most about this particular Bulgarian McDonalds, is how dressed up its patrons were. I am talkin’ pearls and silk, jackets and ties, to the nines! Ironically, not showered and dirty, I was the one that smelled like a peasant. This was Bulgaria's version of Nobu or Mr. Chows! This was it for them, and it may have been the most special micky d's in the world. So as I would in any fine dining establishment, I respectfully pointed to my order. We must have dropped hundreds of dollars (pre euro) and I remember being able to buy those original golden apple pies, the ones that are deep fried and crispy (god I miss those).  On our walk back to the bus, a small, shirtless, barefooted filthy little boy begged me for my french fries. I gave him them, even though his begging was likened to a classic horror film.  He scared me a little.

Anecdote #47: When I was 10 we moved to Hellam PA, a tiny town next to the Susquehanna River. To help me make friends my mom agreed to host a slumber party for me and 5 other classmates.  Mom thought it would be entertaining and fun to have a séance. She cut out little pieces of paper and placed them in a circle, each one drawn with a letter of the alphabet. She then placed a shot glass in the middle of the circle, put a silk scarf on her head, lit a few candles and we all began to ask silly questions to the dead.  All of the girls, except one, had a blast! We giggled freely as we watched my Mom brilliantly pretend to be a wild gypsy. The other little girl looked absolutely terrified and almost started crying before we had to end the “game”. Little did we realize that even innocently playing with esoteric fire in a tiny Christian town, like Helena, would incite nasty rumors that we, once started, would never be able to live down. My Mom was called "The Witch Lady" (how original), and we endured months of whispers and glares around town before we got out of there. When in Rome don’t play “Ohm”.

Anecdote #46: Once I chased a runaway kite into the middle of a nettle field. I was barefoot.  Sometimes when you chase after something beautiful, you get burnt.

Anecdote #46: My first Real kiss came in some hotel on some overnight conference I was dragged along on.  I was 13 and was left alone for a few hours while the rents' went out to dinner.  Luckily the lobby had an arcade with Galaga, so that’s where I was planning to spend the entire evening. Another boy was also in the arcade, he was 14.  I am not clear as to how, but he convinced me to take him to my room and on the balcony, I kind-of smoked my first joint and made out with him. It was really super!

Anecdote #45:  When I was a kid we had a set of identical twin boys who lived on our street.  One day I was playing with one of them under my bed.  We played Pigs in Space.  We pretended the box springs were control buttons on the space panel.  I remember having a crush on one of the twins and not the other, but, on this day, my crush twin was away and I was left to play with his brother who, apparently, had a crush on me.  During our space flight, he suggested we "try a French kiss".  I inquired as to what entailed a French kiss.  He explained everything and I agreed to an attempt. I remember our faces being about two feet a part mouths wide open and would slowly creep our gasp-like faces closer and closer. Unfortunately for him, it was all much too silly for me to process and despite multiple attempts, I would laugh out loud before we could ever touch face. Maybe with his brother things would have ended differently.

Anecdote #44: My first kiss was taken by an 8-year old boy named Guy. He chased me around the Laundromat about 20 times before I caved.  He was wearing a comic book T-shirt.

Anecdote #43: After first-grade, folks in charge decided to place me into a year round school called Theresa Home School, where spanking was a common punishment for even the most minor offenses.  I could write an anecdote for every time I remember being spanked and perhaps I might, but generally speaking, it happened so often, the many recollections would become tedious and boring to recount. I will say, however, I never cried when I was spanked, on the contrary.

Something about the awkwardness of bending over a desk and being whacked in the buttocks by a book or a paddle cracked me up and I would end up giggling uncontrollably obviously adding fuel to the fire.

Anecdote #42: Once in first grade (I think this is the last of the first grade A-dotes), during story time, I found a lone staple stuck in the carpet. Since first grade was so much about putting things where they belong I decided this one little staple would fit very well into the socket slot. I slipped the perfect little piece of metal into the perfectly sized electric socket, which caused a large pop followed by a mini explosion of sparks and smoke. A few days later Smokey the Bear came to my class and gave us an entertaining program on fire safety. Only I can prevent Forest Fires!

Anecdote #41: I am a biter, and in first grade I bit another girl on the shoulder, so hard I drew blood. Of course I was sent to the principals office.  The Principal, instead of punishing me told me I was smart. That was the first time I was ever told I was smart.

Anecdote #40: After my first day of first grade I was to ride my first school bus home. I got on the wrong yellow bus. When all of the other kids were gone and the route was over the bus driver turned to me and asked me where I lived. I shrugged my shoulders. We went to 7-11 and he bought me a slurpee.

Anecdote #39:  In first grade I stole a print of George Washington and Renoir Print from the library. I wish I could say that I didn't know how yet to check things out, but I remember being very sneaky about it and like a true little art thief, hoarded those two pieces for years in a closet to admire alone, on occasion.

Anecdote #38: I was in first grade when I saw my first ding-a-ling. During lunch period Kenny and I hid in the freestanding art supply closet to sheepishly introduce our differences.

Besides what Kenny showed me, I remember that I had orchestrated the whole event and I remember seeing our classmates marching toward us from lunch through the crack in the double doors, which had earlier provided us with the appropriate lighting.

Anecdote #37: First grade was monumental! I remember more about 1st grade than my entire high school experience. Once, I ripped my dress during recess. The teacher insisted on mending it over our nap-time. So that I didn't have to nap in my undies, my teacher thought it was a good idea to have me rest in a big brown paper grocery bag with holes cut out for my arms and my head. I remember lying there for an hour, staring at the ceiling, completely still, afraid I would disturb my classmates with the loud crinkle noise that came with such an outfit.

Anecdote #36: My Dad told me about sex. I was probably 8 years old and already knew the basics from piecing together the sketches out of Khalil Gibran and what I heard during 3rd grade recesses. He being a medical photographer, responsibly and somewhat awkwardly, decided it was something that needed to be discussed on a clinical level. I remember I had a mug of milk I was working on and he had a book. The book was a pop up book on sex for kids, (really!?). I remember when he got to the part about the penis entering the vagina, I tried so hard not to laugh, milk came shooting out of my nose.

Anecdote #35: Due to Mummy's second marriage I started having to go to church at age 10. When I was 13 a Christian Rock Band played at the church and at the end of the set the smoking hot lead singer asked if anyone in attendance wanted to pray with him and give their life/soul to the Lord. Well, I guess that was the first of many nights I held hands in a dark corner of a room being born again with some rocker dude. Never really stopped since.

Anecdote #34:   I got my first period on a snowmobile. I wonder where I will be when I get my last.

Anecdote #33: I once proved I am a better hula hooper than David Byrne. 

Anecdote #32: I once was in a movie with the Brady bunch's Eve Plumb, Law and Order's Jeremy Sisto and THIS lady. If you are a fan of 80's sit-coms you may recognize Erin Gray. This picture is of us holding Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here" album, after which the picture was taken I asked her if she wouldn't mind signing it.

So there we are like two Silver Spoons together, ...she and I.

Anecdote #31: This picture was taken at an after party to a star studded Burt Bacharach tribute concert. Dionne Warwick, Elvis Costello, Petula Clark all sang Burt's songs. I also watched Mike Myers perform What's-up Pussy Cat, dressed as a cat, from Cats. The tribute was incredible, but its after party was kind of low in attendance and quiet. I remember hanging out in a booth with Ben Folds for a bit, getting stupid with the Bare Naked Ladies, and enjoyed what was practically my own private GE Smith concert! Who am I kidding, it was a superb evening.

Anecdote #30: Quite a few years ago I went to a friends birthday party where David Cross and I had a weird and funny conversation about slow dancing. This is a photo from that night. My tit is almost hanging out and he is almost picking his nose. The other guy is SNL Comedy writer Eric Slovin.

Anecdote #29: When I was a kid my best friend, Riley O'Casey and I would put on short plays for anyone who would come. Family friends and folks next door would basically come and watch us pee our pants because we always ended up peeing our pants by the end of these plays. Unfortunately this habit didn't subside any when I started my young career in professional theatre. "Annie" peed in my pants, "Show Boat" I peed in my pants and in "guys&dolls" when some dancers wig spun off into the lap of an audience member, I didn't laugh, I peed my pants. The whole reason I decided to become classically trained in Drama was to learn how not to pee my pants on stage. 20 grand later, I'm cured!

Anecdote #28: When I was a kid, my mom wouldn't let me celebrate St Patrick's Day because she had a thing about the Irish, particularly the IRA who, at one point in her/our life, had an actual "hit" out on her Dad, My Grandfather who was acting Director of British Defense Intelligence in the early 70's. In her defense, it was a frightening time. One St P day morning I just Freaked Out, and begged her to "Please Please Please let me wear green to school." I must have annoyed the shit out of her because she conceded. I ran upstairs to put on every green garment I owned! I was so excited and that day, in a green sea of 70's, our small class sat in a circle to eat our packed lunches. I opened my Scooby Doo lunch box to a Great and slightly Embarrassing sight! MY MOM had dyed a Giant left-over turkey leg Green. It wasn't so much that it was Green, It was more the Turkey Leg itself, ala' King Henry the VIII and its enormity  took up the entire lunch box. I hesitated in taking this piece of food and using it as a prop to make the crowd laugh, but some things you are born wanting to do and I was hungry. Eyes coyly posed, I very slowly lifted the giant leg to my pie hole. The teacher caught sight, made a thing of it, and I experienced my first comedy bit. Good stuff!

Anecdote #27: As I mentioned in an earlier anecdote, I had the honor of being "governess" in the Boorman household for about a month while he was visiting NYC. John Boorman is an incredible director of films. Notably, The General, Excalibur, and the notorious 1972 thriller, Deliverance. On my first day John and I took his three children on a long walk to the park. I was obviously (and regrettably) star struck, and in gushing all my highest regards right to his face, I could hardly pay much attention, at all, to my 3 new charges.

Me, blathering excitedly, "I really love your films Mr. Boorman! I think my favorite would probably be The General.... but it's really hard to choose.... because.....Well,... Excalibur being so shadowy... AND colorful at the same time!"

His distracted response, "Ah, thank you, yes, right, well? yes, ...thank you, Ok."

But this is not the story to tell.

When we arrived at the park, I had to show him what a grand babysitter I was. I pulled out my best Haydee Freaking Poppins. With confidence I unbuckled strollers, got out juice boxes, and began the proper mysterious rapport you have with children you meet for the very first time. John decided, I guess, to begin a familiar conversation with his children to include me in their familial practice. He said to the three year old, "What does a cow say?" "Moo!" proudly said the young boy. "How about a kitty?" "Me-ew!", he exclaimed. "Now what does a dog say?" "Wurf!", spoke the boy. This whole time I was just waiting for the punch line, I mean my God!

Then it happened, John Boorman spoke one of the most prolific lines in film history, like an inside joke, just between us! "Now how’s about a pig?" Inside, I’m like, "Really? This is happening?!" when he finally says it, YES... "Squeal like a pig!" Of course, this completely inappropriate gesture at the time, was a gift just for me, and I was grateful. 

Anecdote #26: Jamie Lee Curtis and I both gave a hand job to up side down table legs using a stick of butter. It was some IKEA number we were trying to assemble, but the look we shared to one other as we rubbed off our chosen legs was very special. Hysterical and very sexy.

Anecdote #25: One night I was babysitting John Borman's 3 kids on Christopher St. in NYC. He and his wife were going on a dinner date with another couple. They were getting ready when the door rang so they asked me if I would answer the door. I did. The dinner date was with Frances McDormand and husband Joel Coen. We waited together for the Borman children to stop screaming and wailing their goodbyes when Frances offered me a valium or maybe it was a xanax. I love her.

Anecdote #24: One night in Savanna GA, my band Golden Dawn was performing. It was a particularly good show that evening and during the set someone in the audience was taking a multiple flash photos of me. After the show Liz Simmons excitedly pulled me aside to tell me that the photographer was actor Alan Cummings and he wanted to meet me! After our introduction I took him and his boyfriend to our bus where we partied hard and laughed our freaking heads off.

Anecdote #23: I once witnessed my ex-boyfriend's Gibson SG, in a hard case, obliterate under the wheels of a fast moving semi on the highway. Terrifying.

There is much sadness and guilt in the backstory, but not all good stories are good. Long story short, He and I were together for many years, he was a very kind and special person in my life. When I moved back down here he came to live with me. I soon developed feelings for someone else. We broke-up. The incident occurred on his move back to NY. With his pick-up packed to the hilt, I selfishly hitched a "final and emotional" ride North, where he was going to drop me off 1/2 way in Baltimore. We stopped at a rest stop where I had to check on something in the back of the truck. I guess I didn't slam the tail gate hard enough. He had bought this guitar when he was 14 with money he saved from his paper route. We pulled over in hopes that we could run out in the middle of a busy freeway and save it. It sat on the cusp of a hill and all we could do was stand there and watch it happen. The whole damn thing was devastating.

Anecdote #22: One summer I was hit by a bicycle who had been hit by a car. The kid on the bike was unscathed. I however, slammed my left wrist down square onto the curb, and broke the bone in half.

Anecdote #21: I used to be able to see Marisa Tomei's shower/bath through a sky light on the roof next door.

Anecdote #20: I was once sent on a mission to artist Robert Rauschenberg's long time home in the village. When I arrived and after I rang the bell, a very handsome young gay man answered the door and took me up in a glass elevator that opened into the kitchen living area, a wide-open space to be sure. "Bobby” was there, along with a small entourage of more cute boys. At the time I was obsessed with making these miniature jade plants out of organic pipe cleaners. I brought one along and nervously handed one to him as a gift. He was very kind and seemed to like it very much. He placed it on a small table amongst some actual plants. Noticing I was obviously a huge fan, Rauschenberg took me on a tour of his giant studio downstairs and showed me first hand some of his enormous plexi-glass works in progress. That room was a pot of gold at the end of a living rainbow, I tell ya!

I once sold Richard Gere's phone number for 2 bucks to The Inner Head. Needless to say, we had imbibed quite a bit that evening and in my defense, I thought, and still think The Inner Head and Gere would have a lot to talk about. I think we called him from a sixth Ave pay phone. 

Anecdote #17: I was once the singer of a power pop band named Squatweiler. In the winter of 199? we opened for AVAIL (Richmond VA) on their 2 week Florida tour. On one crazy night, at some club in Ft. Lauderdale, I had introduced a song we wrote called "Made Naked" and challenged the crowd to take off their clothes. Sure enough, within seconds, a small naked pit of about seven or eight guys appeared! It was wonderful! Before long, these Adonis', with an oversized propensity for a pain, moshed and tackled each other as I crooned my 9/11 pre-gogs.  (You can buy this song on itunes, but it won't be me singing.) At some point, I couldn't help but to get naked myself, in solidarity of course! As soon as I took off my shirt some dude, (not the one fetal position, I'm not sure who he is..), but a different naked 19-year old, leaped onto the stage, faced me, stretched out his penis on which I could clearly read...

"T N T"

Tattooed, like an obvious stick of dynamite! He gave it a twirl, fast, like a plane propellor, then stage dived into a naked pit!!!!!! Kaboom!